Because mostly we were saying, "That's not green, that brown. That's not green, that's champagne. That's not green, that's black...what the hell are they talking about?"

Talk about jumping on a bandwagon. This week's Project Runway challenge was to make a cocktail dress for your model...and to let her go buy the fabric for you. Green fabrics. What are green fabrics? Well, if you watched the show you might know they include bamboo or hemp or even silk, and you might see the word "organic" tossed around. But you wouldn't know what makes them "green." You might be left wondering if the runway show is going to look like Sherwood Forest with all that green traipsing through it.

Call me cranky, but just a leetle bit of elaboration on production techniques, dye formulas etc. etc. would have been appreciated from this occasional eco-blogger.

There are many scenes of everyone freaking out that their models bought shitty fabric...and many of them bout the same fabric (another tablecloth debacle, right?) As we are gradually getting to know the designers, here are the tidbits we learned:

-Suede talks about himself in the third person. It's weird because he is way younger and less crochety than Bob Dole. So I guess age and crochety-level does not determine the ratio at which one refers to oneself in the third person. Elisa finds that fascinating.

-Stella is a walking sterotype. Remember when Joan Cusack checked out a price tag on one of Sigourney Weaver's fancy dresses in "Working Girl" and exclaimed "It's not even leathah!!" ?? Well, Stella said "leathah" about 300 times in this episode, and I annoyed my viewing companions by saying "It's not even leathah!" immediately after every single time. Sort of like a drinking game, but less fun for other people.

They are really doling out our quality time with designers in very small doses, you know?

This week's guest judge is Natalie Portman, who is really looking a bit like a lollipop head these days. (That's code for really really skinny, which makes her head look unusually large, for those of you unfamiliar with my polite way of wondering if someone needs some time in an eating disorder clinic.)

MK shaved in her honor, but I must say that Editor-at-Large Nina has completely abandoned her roots and hasn't said "hola" to the contestants in ages and ages. I'm sad, but I think there's no point in even tracking it anymore...she will never say "hola" again! (Yes, I'm trying reverse psychology, I'm sly like that.)

On to the runway:

1. Keith sent a champagne silk halter dress with an empire wait down the runway. Unfortunately he also sent a skirt that looked more like a valance for a condo show unit down the aisle with the more elegant top half, so the overall effect was only so-so.

2. Terri sent a sleeveless midnight blue dress with a ruffly collar and a wide belt down the runway. Frankly it looked a bit too day-to-evening, not cocktail, to me. This was like Naughty Secretary Gets a Chance for Upscale Hobnobbing...and isn't quite dressed appropriately.

3. Wesley sent a backless, puckery, ill-fitting and poorly constructed brown satin schmatke down the runway. 'nough said.

4. Jerrell sent a peacock-themes dress down the runway that was surprisingly nice. I don't think I expected actual peacock feathers to inspire anything un-tacky, and this was certainly not a stand-out, but not horribly literal and unattractive. I liked how he used the feathers as simply trim on the bottom of the skirt.

5. Jennifer sent a really unimpressive orange and gray peasant-y dress down the runway. Halloween comes early. And faded. I thought this was in no way a cocktail dress and totally deserved Bottom 3 status.

6. Daniel sent a cute black dress down the runway. It had a portrait neckline, cap sleeves, and short full skirt with pockets. It was a bit girly for me to wear at my advanced age, but on the model it was perfect. This was the first dress that came down the runway and made me think it was actually cute and wearable.

7. Joe sent a simple brown satin sheath down the runway with rhinestone straps and a rhinestone keyhole at the waist. Nicely executed, but not exactly creative or compelling.

8. Suede sent by far the most creative concept down the runway, using strips of red and champagne fabric to create an asymmetrical and unpredictable weave effect all around the fitted bodice, and pairing it with a short, tulle underskirt with a champagne satin overlay. A little more avant-garde, unpredictable and yet still wearable.

9. Kenley sent a simple champagne sheath with a big ruffly near-Elizabethan collar and a black belt. Personally I liked Daniel's black dress better, but this was definitely well-done.

10. Kelli sent a somewhat separates-looking dress down the runway, with a blue top, champagne skirt, ruffly bolero-style shoulder effect and ropy things down the back a la Santino. I didn't get it, but it was well-made.

11. Leanne sent a horrible brown satin sack dress with random flaps of additional brown satin fabric hanging all around like severed dog ears. It reminded me of when I was a kid, and I actually used to try to hem things. And no matter how hard I tried to do it evenly all the way around by the time i got to the end I had this extra flap of fabric that then I had to sew down and hope no one noticed the crookedness of my hem. It was like those extra flaps of fabric were sewn al over the dress.

12. Stella sent a champagne one-shouldered dress with lacing up one side of the skirt and up one sleeve down the runway. Herein we learned that Natalie doesn't like asymmetrical things. Must be hard to be so beautiful and symmetrical that you must reject those of us that are less so. Not that I'm personalizing or anthropomorphizing her feelings about clothing and apply it to people or anything.

13. Blayne Sent a boring fuschia and black dress with one random puffy drapy shoulder down the runway. Did I mention Bo. Ring.?

14. Emily sent a waitress uniform down the runway. Seriously, it had a short, full, black skirt and a white top. OK, the top was strapless and had some braided fabric around the waist and top border of the strapless top, but she was wearing a weird chili-pepper-looking necklace, and I swear if you added sleeves she'd fit right in serving you breakfast at the Original Pancake House.

15. Korto made a nice gold strapless dress...and then she turned it inside out and thought that would be clever and creative. Or something. And yes, she gave her model's ass fins.

In the end, they pulled out the following designers:

Designers to praise:
Kenley
Suede
Stella

Designers to slam:
Korto
Wesley
Leanne

Suede won, which was entirely appropriate.

Wesley lost, which was pretty predictable and no great loss.

So, anyone have a favorite yet, or is it still just too soon?