ACT ONE: Okay, picture the scene.......I'm recovering from a minor medical procedure, still pretty out of it from anesthesia but determinedly scouting out roles on Talent 6.......swaying above my keyboard, my face nearly plastered to the screen, feverishly looking for roles for the mature woman, preferably in New York. But wait! There ain't that many!

Dazedly I flop back into my chair (good thing it's mine and not my husband's as his chair back likes to do the limbo) and slug down some more water to battle hydration and restore clarity to my befuddled wits. How can this be? I've heard of the phenomenon but thought it was an urban legend, you know, like the one that says you can cure warts by having someone else rub pennies over them so as to convince the warts that they have been bought and must now leave? But I digress.

What we’ve got here is FAILURE to hire OLDER FEMALE ACTORS!!!

ACT TWO:  I lurch forward, once again in pursuit of the elusive role calling for 'female (age 50 included in there somewhere)'...........oh look!.......noooo, false alarm...its 'male'...maybe they can't spell and just left out the 'fe'? Sigh.....nope. Like the Grinch (see? again it's an older male!) I puzzle until my puzzler is sore. The truth whaps me a good one, hurling me back into my gratifyingly solid chair like a punctured volley ball. THERE ARE FEW, if any, ROLES FOR THE MATURE ACTRESS ANYWHERE, let alone New York. Clearly, drastic action is called for.

INTERMISSION: I've dragged my "petite flower" body (adjective gratefully acknowledged as being derived from Judy Tenuta, founder of Judy-ism and Princess of Panty Shields) into the kitchen for a water refill along with some soda crackers to battle nausea produced by anesthesia and burgeoning horror.....not because I might be pregnant! Dagnabbit, I'm going to be 51 years old tomorrow so I don't DO pregnant anymore, y'hear? After unsuccessfully drowning my face with a cold, wet cloth, I assert my womanhood and return to the computer.

ACT THREE:  (Sometime later in the day) I sit back, pale and disheveled, staring at the horrifying truth. I have googled out 10,200 articles related to ageism and female actors! Omigawd, it’s TRUE!!! Sexism is still ALIVE!!! (I do a phenomenal job of fainting gracefully in my chair, I must say. Focus is on the clock as it spins forward an hour or so….focus returns to me as I emerge from my swoon). Tears threaten but refuse to fall as my face transforms from fear to rage! Just what do those people in the industry think they are DOING???? But wait, my intellect, my maturity, my natural tendency to self-preservation (any more of this temper tantrum and I’m gonna land on the floor) burgeons forth and a shrewd expression ennobles my brow as the answer lowers my blood pressure. The reason why there are so few (if any) roles for the mature woman? Because the powers that be are just totally incapable of providing us with roles that showcase our perfection. Therefore, as women have done for generations, we need to take control of the situation and create our OWN roles. Women are the ones who give birth to children ( you know, those cute but unformed little beings that we must then train to become useful citizens?). Therefore, it will be a piece of cake to give birth to the opportunities, the Raison d'être, that is the right of any Actor regardless of age, sex and race.THE END