Building Bridges: Infertility and BlogHer '08

Definitely less controversial and politically driven than a discussion on when life begins, the topic of when a woman becomes a mother was one of the underlying questions posed at the BlogHer panel on infertility, adoption, and loss. When you consider the multitude of ways a woman becomes a mother, it can become a slippery discussion. If it occurs with pregnancy, when does it happen for a woman pursing adoption? If it occurs after viability, what happens in the case of stillbirth or neonatal death?

If it is only after you are holding your child, how do we explain the intense impulses that guide our decision-making prior to ever knowing our children? That mothering instinct?

Lifeslurper inadvertently explored this topic in the gorgeous letter she wrote her not-yet child in a post on BlogHer this week. She wrote:

Years were flashing by and I was not brave enough to claim you on my own. You were moving further away from me and I could do nothing but watch. Then something wonderful happened; I met your father. Suddenly you were in reach. The world was an ideal place and there was enough love, time and devotion to bring you into this life.

For Lifeslurper, and for many infertile women, the identity of mother forms much earlier than conception and certainly long before the child is in her arms. Hence why the infertility panel was part of the mommyblogging track at BlogHer this year.

To continue the discussion that began back in San Francisco, I'll pose the main questions asked at the panel to the greater BlogHer community (consider it a little gift from San Francisco, brought right to your living room. 5-days-delayed live blogging?).

We are all complex human beings with multiple interests. I could just as easily ended up with a vegetarian blog or a twin-parenting blog or a Jewish blog. Why did I end up with an infertility blog? What is the overriding theme of your blog and why? This question, of course, can be answered by any type of blogger in order to start this conversation.
What do you hope to achieve personally and externally with your blog?
Do you think a bridge needs to be built between communities in the larger blogosphere in order to foster understanding (in other words, between infertility blogger and mommy bloggers or two other groups)?
How do you go about building these bridges? If we build bridges, will people cross them?
What do you think is gained and lost by opening up a community (making it more accessible, inviting outsiders to comment, explaining the shorthand abbreviations)? If you aren't a member of a community, would you feel comfortable crossing a bridge that was placed in front of you?

Uppercase Woman, who live blogged the event, kicked off her post with why she chose to attend the panel over other discussions offered in the same time slot: "I decided that I needed to be here. After all, if it wasn't for infertility I wouldn't be blogging."

Coming2Terms also blogged about the conference itself, addressing the question about building bridges at the opening ice breaker game:

How to start? What to say? I immediately wished I could impersonate a travel blogger, a tech blogger, even a sex blogger -- all of whom were among those who introduced themselves to me. Talk about a caffeine buzz kill at 9:30 in the morning when you're among the former group and you come upon me. "Hi, I'm Pamela and I write about issues associated with infertility." I understood completely when they smiled kindly and quickly moved on. Infertility is just not a topic that lends itself to this type of format.

Before the video and audio versions of the panel go live, I would love to gather your answers to the five questions above and whether bridge building is feasible and necessary between two communities. And, of course, where infertility blogging falls on the mommyblogger spectrum.

Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1400 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009. Sign up is currently open to everyone (yes, everyone!) for the latest selection of the infertility online book club: Eat, Pray, Love (you'll need to join the discussion to see how this book relates).

Submitted by Melissa Ford (view blog

) on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 10:01

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Bridge building is essential

Thank you, Mel, for picking up the thread here. I look forward to reading the answers that result. As for my answers (which turned into a post):

1) I blog to raise awareness about the complexity of infertility -- from the societal and relationship challenges that come from living with a condition that's layered in myths and misunderstanding to the personal challenge of overcoming the weird taboo and stigmas we've been conditioned to associate with infertility. It wasn't so very long ago that we couldn't utter "breast" or "prostate" in mixed company...

2) I hope that by raising awareness and opening up a discussion about a very private and painful experience that today's girls and boys won't one day be made to feel embarassed or marginalized or misunderstood when they learn as adults that they have one or more biological problems that prohibit conception or pregnancy and delivery. It's hard enough to learn that you won't be ever experience the joy of creating life with a loving mate let alone coping with an endless wave of insensitive or uninformed commentary. Personally it's very rewarding to help others confronting infertility feel less isolated.

3) It's essential to me that a bridge be built between the infertility and mommy blogging communities because mommy bloggers exercise significant influence in shaping the perceptions of their children. They also can be an inadvertent source of pain for infertile couples (e.g. pregnant and breast-feeding women, while not intentionally hurtful in any way, are larger than life reminders of our loss.) Their empathy and understanding -- as I've learned from mommy bloggers who have commented on my blog-- can go a long way to mitigating a sense of isolation or pain.

4) Reaching out, listening actively and acknowledging where gaps in understanding or prejudices exist (on both sides) is one place to start.

5) Defining ourselves as "mommy bloggers" or "infertility bloggers" creates division. (In fact, I think BlogHer should simply rename the category "Family" -- it's more inclusive.) We all have a big stake in making online and real life communities places of acceptance and welcome.

Since those with infertility are minority stakeholders and are often at a loss for how to reach out since infertility more often than not forces us to withdraw I encourage mothers who blog to learn more about why we withdraw. For instance I'm not a "mom" nor ever will be but I still nurture my nieces and
nephews and look out for the well being of my friend's children. It's
not surprising, then, that I find any "as a mom..." clubbiness
or the "you wouldn't understand if you're not a mom" condescension a
bit hard to stomach. At the same time, I've yet to meet a woman who wants to be initiated into the infertility sorority. Most are dying to get out.

I applaud and very much appreciate the mothers who have reached out to me in real life or commented on my blog. They have gone a long way in demonstrating that we can play well together. Let the bridge building begin...

Pamela Jeanne

http://www.Coming2Terms.com

Submitted by Pamela Jeanne on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 13:04

Great Thoughts

After seeing the comments that go along with every IF article, you can't argue with the need to build those bridges. Or at least foster more understanding. I think whenever the comments move from neutral to animosity, you have a problem.

Family bloggers is definitely more inclusive in terms of mommy, daddy, or building-a-family bloggers, but what about a SMBC who leaves the path to live child-free? I'm just playing devils advocate in trying to create one umbrella term. We can argue that everyone is technically part of a family; unless they are estranged. But where one person sees themselves as part of a family, another person may not. I wonder if there is another term even more inclusive. Or perhaps the labeling of bloggers--trying to break us down into categories--is the problem. Though...damn...the devils advocate thing again...how do we find like-minded stories without the labeling. So much food for thought.

Of course, there is also the question we asked at the panel: if we build it, will people walk across it. I'd like to think they would, but how do you get someone to walk across a bridge simply because it's in front of them?

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Submitted by Melissa Ford on Fri, 07/25/2008 - 15:01

My answers

Hi Mel, I've answered your questions on my own blog.

http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/2008/07/building-bridges.html

Lori

Submitted by loribeth on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 18:54

Go over and read her whole post

I love your point about dealing with the fallout. That it's not that you chose this path and everything simply stopped--that now you're in the next stage.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Submitted by Melissa Ford on Fri, 07/25/2008 - 15:04

kept tryin'

This specific subject caught my eye while browsing the site. My husband and I had tried for months, and I mean months for a baby. After several tests, several Dr.'s and several "we don't know what's wrong," we were ready to give up. I had three quarters of my cervix removed when I was 25 because of cervical dysplasia and I was told then, it would be close to impossible to conceive, or even go to full term because of major scar tissue and loss of most of my cervix. Well, almost a year of wanting to give up, we purchased a fertility monitor for a few hundred dollars and used it. Nine months later, our daughter was born. My pregnancy was a difficult one with being on bedrest startig at 4 months along, because of early contracting and high blood pressure. But, she lives to this day.

Everyone's circumstances are different. Everyone's ability to maintain a pregnancy or get pregnant or starting a family are different, also. I don't categorize anyone's predicament because the sadness it brings to the individual/parties when trying to conceive/adopt or begin a family, can be overwhelming and just plain emotional when things don't turn out the way we expect them too. My heart always goes out to the ones having tough times with this issue. I'll always be an advocate to this growing problem. Blessings to you.

Debbie

www.debbieraymondpinet.com

author and teacher of the Law of Attraction

Submitted by mineaux on Fri, 07/25/2008 - 18:34