Over the last few years, I've developed these white spots on my arms and legs.  When I pointed these out to my dermatologist he was very reassuring and told me:   DOCTOR: Welcome to getting old.   To which I responded:   JESSICA: Thanks f*@er  doc.

The following is a  conversation held in a Borders Bookstore in Hollywood, California.  CUSTOMER: (girl, late 20's):  Can you help me?  I'm looking for this book written by Oprah.

I was in this very upscale supermarket the other day called GELSON'S, when I came upon a man standing behind a small table, handing out tiny plastic cup-size samples of a NEW brand of water. 

I can now say with total, complete and utter sincerity that in this town, if a person finds a car that can get them from point A to point B, it's drivable. In my 11 years in L.A. I have seen cars with more duct tape on them than a kidnap victim. I've seen some held together with nothing more than glue and a daily prayer to God that the f*@er will still turn over.

Have you ever been on a date and when you realized the guy 'just wasn't that into you" then proceeded to tell him everything that's wrong with you?I went out with this guy the other day. It was one of those general interview type dates. You know the ones where you're only there to find out 1. If you want to sleep with him and 2. If you would actually want to TALK to him afterward.